destination: happiness

Thank you so much for the kind messages and comments about my first blog post…well the first one that I shared.  It is so uplifting to know that people actually took the time to read it–took the time to give thought to my words.

I’ve always been a pretty passionate person.  But my passion–the kind where you throw yourself into actually DOING something has always been pretty fleeting.  I would impulsively jump wholeheartedly into whatever.  Then I would see something shiny and get distracted.  I was usually motivated by anger–at the government, at an unethical company, or whatever.  But anger isn’t enough to fuel me in a sustainable way.  When it comes to advocating for my children, I am not fueled by anger.  I am fueled by love.  I am fueled by the burning need for my daughters to live in a beautiful world.

I still get pissed off when someone or something messes with that beauty.  But I am usually able to channel that anger in a more positive way.  Because I realize that my anger also pollutes the beauty.  Anger clouds my vision.  I see so much clearly now.  I know that every moment spent being angry is a moment not spent with my children or for my children.

My girls have given me so many gifts.  And I know it sounds cliche…but I’ve learned so much more than just parenting.  I’ve become a better human being.  Through them, I have been connected with  really lovely new  people.  My admiration for these people has lead to me examining the kind of person I am, and the kind of person I strive to be.  I’ve also been able to connect, in a different and more positive way, to people that I’ve known throughout my life.  These connections are all beautiful and they make my own world such a lovely place to live.

I think that prior to having children, I was really hard on people.  I was judgmental and arrogant.  Don’t get me wrong, I still fight to suppress the judging monster that rears its ugly head more often than I’d like.  But for the most part, I am much more willing to give people a break or the benefit of the doubt.  I find myself looking for the good in people and being more understanding of faults.  I think this has to do with the fact that I feel like my own (copious) faults and mistakes are magnified by the giant looking glass of parenthood.  There is more than enough for me to judge in my own backyard and people cut me a break.  They tell me I am good when I feel bad.  They tell me that my insecurities, my flaws as a parent, my flaws as a human are okay.  They forgive me and they accept me.  That is beautiful.  And I want my daughters to learn from and be a part of THAT humanity.

I’m happier than I have ever been in my entire life.  I live in a wonderful world filled with really kind people.  I’m still getting used to feeling this way.  It feels extraordinary to write words that I would have rolled my eyes at not so very long ago.  Isn’t it strange that I am somewhat uncomfortable with real, true, deep down in the pit of my soul happiness?  I don’t remember exactly how I got to this beautiful place but I know I wouldn’t be here without my children.  I know that love propelled me here.  I know that I wish I had a map to send to those that can’t find this place-for the better part of my life I didn’t even know that this place existed.  I know that I want my children to live here with me always and it is my responsibility to teach them how to live here.

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