jealous mom: i’m horrified by you

Dear parent.

I’ve written and re-written this several times. I kept telling myself, “less harsh.”

But no. No.

You wrote down horrible things about your child.

And I’m horrified by you.

Then you said those words out loud.

And I’m horrified by you.

I know that you have said things and done things designed specifically to hurt Autistic people before.

But these are your children. YOUR beautiful children.

And I’m horrified by you.

You could choose love. And I know that you think you do.

But you don’t. You choose hate. Hateful words designed to swathe you in the pity you crave.

And I’m horrified by you.

You’re jealous of the other parents for having the kid you wanted but didn’t get. How could all of the soccer goals, the continence, the milestones met “on time”, the uninterrupted basketball games, leisurely walks in the mall, ever, for one single second, compare to what you do have? Your children. The children that you DO have.

How can you want something other than the children that you are very blessed to have the opportunity to love and cherish? How can you think those thoughts? Let alone record them for your children to stumble upon?

I’m horrified by you.

Your words: And I’m sure I don’t realize how lucky I am to have an autistic son who can talk, and a daughter with Down syndrome who can hear as much as she does, and is doing as well as she is.

My daughter doesn’t talk. She is somehow lesser than your child for that reason? I am worthy of more pity pats on my head than you because I bear the greater burden? No Lexi. You can have my pity points to cash in and I will be over here loving my child just the way she is. Over here not coveting the other parents’ kids. Because I’m a freaking mama and I KNOW that there are no better children than my own.

I’m horrified by you.

Your words: I listen as you whisper in your child’s ear. You hum songs and they respond in delight. My heart aches as realize that my daughter has never heard the sound of my whisper. That late night songs sung to comfort and every whispered, “I love you” never made it past her tiny ear canals.

You’re a mother. You should know. Love is not what you say. It is what you do. Love is not what you hear. It is what you feel. What do your children feel?

I’m horrified by you.

**editing to add a link to a post, also written in response to this by a disabled woman who lets parents like lexi know exactly how it feels to be parented like this.**

50 thoughts on “jealous mom: i’m horrified by you

  1. Needless to say I am horrified by you. Why? As you sit there and write this piece you have no idea what her life is like. But here you are passing judgement? What a Sanctimonious piece of writing. Its sad that in this world of Autism and special needs, parents everywhere feel the need to judge those who’s lives they do not live. You Handle “Love Explosions” is not appropriate for this writing. Why? It is further from love. Love would mean that you have opened yourself to the thought that everyone has their own thoughts. It would mean that you would have respect for those who have a difference of opinion than yourself. Not sit here bashing someone for their thoughts or opinions.

    • Meh, we have different definitions of love. Love does not mean that I respect all people or all the things people say or think. It also doesn’t mean that I keeps mouth closed when people say vile things about her child. That’s just me though.

      • I am not asking you to respect everyone’s opinion. But your post comes across as very Sanctimonious. You are the one sitting here criticizing her. On an emotion she feels. That is like me telling you have no right to feel the way you do. How is that my right? It’s not. Nor is it your right to sit here and blast her for feeling the way she does. Yeah she put herself out there, as many of us bloggers do, but we do it in the thought that maybe our stories might help those who are struggling, not for those “High and Mighty” to pick apart how we feel about things. You talk about rude things being said to her children, but yet you are belittling the why she feels and that just comes across as bullying.

      • You lot, HAVE told me that I have no right to feel the way that I do. Do you people even read what you write? And it IS your right to say whatever you want to me. Just not here on my blog. Messages like the ones from Ms. Sweatpants help NOT ONE SINGLE person. Least of all people that are struggling. That is my ENTIRE point. That kind of talk is poison.

      • Great! Because I understand your need to justify your queen’s reprehensible behavior. If you and the rest if her flock are done, you can go ahead and skedaddle.

    • I will judge those things that are worthy of being judged.

      Putting your disabled children on blast for the world to see is worthy of being judged.

      Feel however you want, but don’t put it on the f#%^ing internet where they could see it one day.

    • I will judge those things that are worthy of being judged.

      Putting your disabled children on blast for the world to see is worthy of being judged.

      Feel however you want, but don’t put it on the f#%^ing internet where they could see it one day. And don’t you dare police us for daring to talk back to people who invalidate us.

  2. One day, I sincery hope the so-called disability community will tire of the circular firing squad, deployed in the cause of philosophical purity and zero tolerance for diversity of opinion or perspective. Then perhaps we might see some real societal change.

    The old saying is wrong when applied to disability rights. The whole world ISN’T watching. And why should it? We do such a good job of keeping each other down without the need for much in the way of assistance.

  3. Horrified is a feeling. So she’s sharing her feelings. So how come only the people you like get to share their feelings but other people’s feelings are not OK? You two are not sharing feelings but making pronouncements. Hypocrite much? My feeling about this that I would like to share is that I am unimpressed by you lot.

  4. For the record I think you’re a wonderful blogger and I always enjoy reading the things you write. I hope it’s ok for me to share here the comments I posted on my Facebook page, together with That Crazy Crippled Chick’s post?

    “I’d like to share a blog post from a disabled person and add my thoughts. Parenting is hard. We make tons of mistakes and we feel things we know we shouldn’t. But how we process those mistakes, how we deal with those feelings, is important. Some people write about how they feel and others choose to share those writings with others by putting them on a blog. It’s good to know that we’re not alone, to find others that feel the same way. But while we undoubtedly have freedom of expression we have to also remember before we make certain things public that we have responsibilities – to ourselves, our children and society at large. We’re careful about not sharing our address on the internet because it could have negative consequences for our families, it could endanger our children’s safety. In the same vein I do feel that those of us who blog have to remember that when we publicly blog about the negative feelings we have towards others, that may well end up having negative consequences as a result. What’s posted on the internet never goes away and someday our kids will read the things we wrote when they were small.”

    • And when our kids read the things we’ve observed and written over the years, they will only be shocked by what we’ve said if we’ve been dishonest with them. For myself, I’ve always held that I owe my daughter two things: love and the truth. I’m not sure I think one or the other of those choices should be optional, but like Lexi and any other parent, I can only make the choices for my own family. I’ll leave it to others to police everyone else. There doesn’t seem to be a shortage of willing officers.

      • Not policing–she can and DOES say whatever she wants on her blog. Or should I say blogS? And I can say what I want on mine. And my truth is that i am dunzo with her brand of hatred and bullying. Because i live my daughter and i love my friends. Btw–chastising me for policing? What do you think the nature of your comments are then?

      • It seems such a simple concept and yet so many intelligent people don’t seem to get it. There are no restrictions on speech. There’s nothing that you cannot say. There are no blog police. I’m sorry but it’s just hogwash. If someone wants to write, sit back and get just platitudes in return, then maybe a public blog isn’t the best forum for them to be writing in. If they want to write but understand that there are people out there who may not agree with them, well, yay.

  5. So just so you know–I turned moderation on and deleted the comments that were just hatred. And I will continue to moderate and delete comments for whatever reason I choose. Even if the reason is that I just don’t like you because you are nasty to people that I love and care about. You have your own special places to blog your hate so you can take it there. I’m not interested.

  6. Rob, this poster is saying she is horrified. That is not policing, that is being horrified. Police drive around in police cars and give people tickets and otherwise enforce laws. People walking around having emotional reactions to horrifying things get horrified. You can see the difference if you get off your hobby horse. This blogger is obviously a person who feels deeply and if you believe people are entitled to their feelings then get off her case. If you do not believe she is entitled to her feelings because only people you agree with are entitled to their feelings then step up and say so instead of being such a hypocrite.

    • Gotcha. I’ll go back and delete the parts where I told anyone they weren’t entitled to their opinions… Oh, wait, look at that. I never did. That was easy.

      Freedom of expression doesn’t mean immunity from disagreement. Not even up here on my hobby horse.

      • But you get to reclassify some feelings as “policing” and then reclassify this activity as “disagreement.” Yep. Meretricious hypocrisy. I’m bored with you. Have fun with yourself.

  7. Self-pity and attention seeking. And fake-crying. She does not respect her children and their dignity. I was (still am) a lot like what she says her children are. But my mother always respected me and never engaged in self-pity. She fought, to exhaustion, to make people see me as she saw me: whole, complex, disabled, human. She started this, she succeeded and I was able to communicate in a way other people understand. I continue the fight now. Like me, there are many. Saying that you are jealous because you cannot be happy about who your children are is selfish. Turn off the camera, go fight for your children, for services, for their future. It is not about you anymore.

      • If she is fighting she seems to be wasting a lot of energy ant time trying to get sympathy from other people because “she suffers oh so much!” As i said, turn of the camera. As an autistic, if my mother said those things about me the message would be “you make me miserable”. I would love to meet her children to say to them “there is nothing wrong with you”.
        The crying is fake. The smile in the end gave it away.

      • I feel so terribly sorry for her kids Amy. Not because they are Disabled. But because they drew the short straw in the parenting lottery. I am far from an awesome parent but I can’t even imagine thinking some of the things she said. I am shocked that anyone would want to be associated with her–let alone defend her. I hope that her kids will find a welcoming community someday….before all sense of self is stolen from them.

  8. Wow, such hostility. I expressed my feelings earlier today over the callousness of that “jealous mom’s” post, and I got raked over the coals! I believe it was on your page,Rob R-H. Thank you to this blogger and to Amy for expressing your disdain over this mother’s speech, as I have. I have been called all kinds of names by these parents as a result of my comments, and yet they have the nerve to call ME judgemental. It is laughable–in fact, I just re-read their angry posts and laughed out loud! Talk about a mob mentality (how soon before they start looking for me and coming after me with pitchforks)! Looks like maybe I’ve found a new community here, one where other perspectives are considered, like the perspecitves of those actually living with the condition. Thank you for defending the autistic community, and treating those with autism with the respect and dignity that they deserve..

    • Hi Meredith,
      Your experiences don’t surprise me in the least. These people have a LOOOONG history of viciously bullying Autistic people and those that love Autistic people. If you have the audacity to disagree with them, you are treated to name calling and vile comments–like the ones that I had to delete and I’m sure the ones that were made of you. I will track you down on facebook and friend you. Because there are waaaaay better places to hang out and people to talk to than the likes of that sad bunch. ❤

      • They are a sad, sorry bunch. Still talking about me–pathetic, really. Bunch of cry babies…their self-absorption and narcissism border on the pathological. Glad to see the back end of that whole lot, and personally sorry I ever befriended Rob. I guess misery loves company.

      • Nope, not in my space rob. You guys have plenty of places to do your hating and bullying. You’ve proven that. You’re not going to bully Meredith or anyone else here. Deleting your comment and pointing to the door for you to join your flock members.

      • Thank you 🙂 I am so ashamed that I allowed myself to be reduced to their level.

    • Meredith I want to be your friend too. Thank you for speaking out against the hatred even though at the time you thought you were alone.

      • Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone 🙂 I very politely excused myself from that forum, only to find people were continuing to lambast me after I’d gone, lol! I was told that I was “jealous” of jealous mom, that I “doth protest too much,” that I see things in “black and white,” and I don’t have all the answers, etc., etc. There were worse things said by one person in particular, who seemed to have a particular axe to grind. I thought the arbitrator (for want of a better word) of that group might come to my defense (at least play devil’s advocate), but he didn’t. To be honest, I’m still slightly reeling from it all. I know that people can be very emotional around the subject of their children, but I had no idea they could also be so venomous and hateful.

  9. Self obsession, materialism, envy and jealousy. Those were the elements/ “feelings” shared on that video this morning. Heart and soul is what was shared here. Thank you for that loveexplosions, I have been feeling sad all day after hearing those rancid words. Now I have replaced them with….”and I am horrified by you.”
    Much better!

  10. I think the problem is that many of these parents’ groups are very insular, and as a result, they have no perspective. Instead of someone saying to “miserable mom,” perhaps this isn’t a good idea, people (namely your children) may one day be hurt by this video, the members of her community instead encourage her, egging her on. Why? Because they have no perspective, either! I have an English friend who has described this mother’s speech as “schmaltzy” (I find it completely maudlin, and almost ripe for parody, but I won’t go there). My English friend also pointed out that while most of us have bad days, most of us do not choose to share those days on youtube. This is what I so admire about the English (especially after “jealous mom”)–their restraint, and their ability to just get on with it! And that is my advice for this mother–get on with it. Stop watching the Oprah Winfrey network, and stop using expressions like “my truth”. Turn off your computer, go outside, and make some new friends (preferably friends who do not have children, special needs or otherwise). Take up a hobby, learn a musical instrument or a foreign language. Do something for yourself, because the speech aside, you’re a good mom, and you deserve it, and I know first hand how all-consuming autism can be.

    • Meredith–Totally agree. The calling something “my truth” or “real” doesn’t make it right or good. And one of the biggest problems with that particular group of parents is that they CANNOT listen to Autistic people. They cannot listen when Autistic people say, “your words make me feel like I am nothing but a burden to you. Like I am not a real person with value equal to your own.” Instead of listening, they pitch a fit and start bullying. Really grotesque bullying and I am sick and freaking tired of watching really good people being treated like shit. I’m shocked because they are fostering a culture of disrespect for disabled people. Their kids won’t be little Autistic kids forever. They want their kids to be disrespected as adults? I suppose it isn’t on their radar considering the way they speak about their own children….

    • The fact is that they are insular because they kicked out all the adult autistics from their group and reformed the group in another locale. Because not all of us coddle them or cater to their feelings and often, they can’t take the criticism that they aren’t perfect parents and hey, the way they treat their kids matters.

  11. …how all-consuming autism can be–if you let it. Thank you for letting me say my peace here. It’s really nice to be able to voice a point of view without fear of attack or reprisal. x

  12. Oops, sorry! The statement I thought I was replying to disappeared! I’m not complimenting myself, as it would appear 😉

  13. Lol! Thank you 🙂 I will let this go, but I just saw another woman harassed on another page for challenging jealous mom. Why are people so hateful and vindictive? It almost makes me ashamed at times to even belong to the special needs community. Thank you for providing this blog, so I can feel good about it again–glad I found you 🙂

  14. Lol!! By the way, I was speaking earlier about perspectives, and I wanted to point out that there is a really great site out there, written by a father of a special needs child. You don’t get too many male perspectives, so I find the content of his page really interesting. His blog is called “My Son is not Rainman,” and it is smart, funny, and extremely well written. He’s English, and he’s very judicious and even, so you won’t find anything in the way of histrionics or hysteria on his page. I’d like to keep it that way (!), which is why I wanted to share it with you and a group of people like you. I will also be sharing your page with my other like-minded English friends! I know quite a few who will be interested 🙂

      • Will do! Thanks for letting me share–I wasn’t sure what the protocol was for introducing a blogger on a blog (did that make sense?)! You’ll really enjoy him, I think. He is a comedian, so he’s very funny, insightful, and positive, and just a plain old, down-to-earth, honest-to-goodness nice guy :), He’s good people 🙂 x

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  16. You are a good mom. This is a well-written post.
    I am not horrified by her in particular. I read her post and was uncomfortable but not horrified. I am horrified by society at large, and the general attitude toward disabled people.
    I have had moments where I was jealous of everyone too. (I’m not a special ed parent, I am a special ed kid.) Maybe it’s bad, but I’ll admit to having moments of being jealous of normal, some kind of magical normal-people-are-never-unhappy-and-don’t-make-mistakes-and-it’s-all-because-of-my-autism thinking, but I’ve figured out that normal people do too mistakes, and I’m less freaked out about messing up now. I very much want to be who I am.
    And I think my mom would agree with you on this post too. 🙂

  17. Pingback: Why? Why? Why? | love explosions

  18. Said jealous mother views ALL people – not merely her child – through the eyes of narcissism. Whilst her behavior is TOXIC, I am not horrified by her evil.

    Evil – of this severity, and much worse – is the supposedly ‘new’ NORMAL.

    It may be ‘normal’ – that is, instinctual – and as a rule, socially advantageous, but it is Not new. It’s as old as recorded history.

    Difference has always been evil, Torment has always been amusing to the tormentor, and cruelty has always been both effectual and preferential as an antidote to boredom.

    This mother is simply a bit less adept at camouflaging her true allegiance than those more socially-adept Normies that seem the current ‘rule’.

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