Tag Archives: Autism Acceptance

i am NOT Kelli Stapleton

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I am NOT Kelli Stapleton.  Don’t call me that.

And I sure as hell hope you aren’t either.  Or I have a call to child protective services that I am morally obligated to make.

I have a bipolar diagnosis.  I’ve struggled lifelong with bouts of depression, anxiety, and insomnia.  I’m no stranger to emotional instability.  I can say with some certainty that I will never break.  More on that in a bit.

I can say with absolute, unflinching, unyielding, certainty that I will NEVER break my children.

How can I be so sure?

Because I love my children.  When I am feeling low, you won’t find me on Facebook or Twitter posting nasty little ditties about my kids.

Not like this:
loving mother 1

Or this:
 loving mother 4

Or this:
loving mother 5

Because this kinda thing?  It isn’t about mental illness.  It is about a selfish mother who doesn’t have an ounce of respect for her child as a human being.

This?  This is about a mother who has systematically and publicly demeaned and degraded her child–over the course of years.  A mother who does not, and has not, valued her child’s humanity for a very long time.
loving mother 2

If I am crumbling and close to the point of breaking?  I’m not blogging about my hatred for my child.  I’m taking a big old break from the blog and social media.  In fact I am doing that little break thing the moment I start to feel overwhelmed–like I have more on my plate than I can currently handle.

I’m getting help before I get to the point where I am loading my kid and poison into the van.  Well before that.

If I don’t get to choose what help will look like?  Like if around the clock care for my kid is just not good enough, for instance?  I’m surrendering my child to protective services.  to protect her from me.

Kinda like alcoholism.  I have all of the empathy in the world for a person who struggles with alcohol addiction.  The moment that person sets foot in a car and recklessly kills another person?  My empathy dries up.  Not for all alcoholics.  But for that person.  I don’t want to talk about how the system failed that person.  I don’t want to talk about what help that person should have had.  That is disrespectful to the person who was killed and the people that cared about that person.

Does that mean I think we should stop talking about alcoholism and the supports that alcoholics need?  Not even.  It just means that I keep that conversation separate from the one around the crime.

Crumbling, breaking, falling apart parents of disabled children?  The ones with “caregiver” stress/burnout, whatever?  They don’t have the time or energy to pop on Twitter to say something humiliating about their children.  Or to write blog posts filled with intimate details about their children.

This isn’t some vendetta.  This isn’t about vilifying anyone.  No need to vilify a person that is ALREADY a villain.  This is about the methodical devaluation of disabled human beings–and all its possible tragic endings.

This isn’t about discouraging caregivers from connecting with resources.  This isn’t about silencing those that need help.  This isn’t about denying stress or mental illness.

This is about insisting that there is always an alternative to killing your child.  This is about acknowledging that as parents, we are responsible for our mental health.

This is about not allowing the allies of murderers or would be murderers to cloak reality in the guise of lack of services and mental illness.

This is about not speaking about disabled people and especially disabled victims of violent crime in ways which normalize and establish caregiver murder as understandable, acceptable, or even expected.

This is about not allowing ourselves to be indoctrinated, by the murder apologists, with the notion that we could be Kelli Stapleton  This is about all of the would be Kelli Stapletons refusing to acknowledge that they have taken steps down that same road Kelli traveled.  Deliberate steps through the choices they make every single day.

This is about their manipulation tactic:  “You could be Kelli.”

Attempted murder doesn’t happen to just any old parent of any old Autistic kid.  It happens to the ones that don’t love their kids.  The ones that would rather snuff out a life than take a brand of help that is undesirable to them.

I could not be Kelli Stapleton.

Not now.  Not ever.  Not in the absolute worst possible set of circumstances.

I’m not Kelli Stapleton.

If you love your child, neither are you.

The neurodiversity fence

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Written by Beth Ryan

ONeuordiversity is not about writing pretty blog posts that appeal to the masses. It is about the human rights of people of all neurologies. It isn't about picking the parts that make you feel good. If you want to make a difference.... GET OFF THE FENCE! loveexplosions.netne of the criticisms that is most frequently hurled at me by other parents of Autistic kids is that I judge people.  I freely admit that I do.  Often.  Constantly even.

But my judgments don’t come from a place of wanting to elevate my own self esteem as so many of these criticisms imply.  I am ever engaged in judgment of what will hurt or improve my daughter’s quality of life.

I’m not perfect.  I’ve done and said and written things which I know have been hurtful to my daughter and her Autistic tribe.  One of my greatest regrets is the fact that I spent so much time fighting AAC and trying to force my child to speak.  That cost her more than I will ever know.

The other criticism I get most often is that I am “PollyAnna” about Autism.  That I want to sweep the challenges my daughter and family face under the rug.  While I choose not to publicly share details which I feel could hurt my child or family, I do not ever deny that some things are really, really hard.  But I cannot think of any obstacles that could not be overcome by a shift in the way disabled people are supported, accommodated, and spoken about.

Recently, there was a stir caused by a very popular blogger’s comment:  “I’m also going to remind you that even in the midst of all the positivity, you’re not human if you don’t have moments where you wish to god your kid didn’t have to struggle and all you want to do is tell autism to f@%k itself. That’s the secret that no one will talk about. But it’s what makes us real, and it’s okay.” 

I judge.  I judge.  Yes, I do judge.  THIS hurts my child.

And I’m judged.  I’m not “human”.  I’m not “real”.

My child is Autistic.  She IS Autism.  Telling Autism to go fuck itself….that’s telling my kid to go fuck herself.  This has never crossed my mind.  Not because I am perfect.  Not because I don’t have bad days.  Not because I don’t want things to be easier for my child in many ways.  Not just because I love my child and this thought would be a betrayal of that love.

Because my child is NOT the problem.  The problem is the way the world responds to my child.  And on the days that I struggle–the ways that I respond to my child.

Being a parent to ANY child is hard.  There are days when bedtime cannot come soon enough.  You don’t have to have an Autistic child to know that this is true.  Those are the days where I succumb to my human weaknesses.  I get frustrated.  I say the wrong thing.  I react the wrong way.  And my reactions make life harder–for my child and for me.

I’m privileged in that parenthood was a choice for me–I do realize that it is not a choice for every person.  When I decided to become a parent, I signed up for the ups and downs.  I signed up for the happiness and the heartache.  I signed up for all of it.  I’m accountable to my child.  I’m accountable to myself.

I judge people.  I do.  I also judge myself.  I’m responsible for judging myself and for doing better when I fail.

I’m responsible for creating a world in which my child can thrive.  I’m responsible for judging the things that stand in the way of my child’s quality of life.

I’ve found that this responsibility isn’t always fun.  And it certainly doesn’t win me popularity.  But we can’t make things better if we don’t talk about the things that are wrong.  I’d love to write a blog which everyone loves and celebrates.  I would love to not receive hate mail.  I’d love to not rock the boat and be friends with everyone.  I’d love it if everyone would think that I am just the bees knees.  Because it isn’t fun when what you say and write is not popularly received.

But I love my child.  And I will stand out in the cold and rain for a lifetime if it means that she is spared even a moment of facing the elements.  Not because I am strong.  Not because I am brave.  But because I’m a mother.  And that’s what mothers do.

My child is more important than stroking the egos of other parents.  Every single time.

My child is more important than my desire to feel liked.  Every single time.

My daughter doesn’t have the luxury of riding the fence.  So I’m not about to climb up and ride it at her expense.

 

scorch the earth #lovenotfear

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Image is a rust colored background. A faded puzzle piece is covered by a heart. The text reads: No more puzzle pieces. Love not Fear. loveexplosions.wordpress.com

Written by Beth Ryan
This post was written as a contribution to the “Love not Fear Flashblog” presented by Boycott Autism Speaks.

You are my child.  You are the child that I have.  And the very child that I wanted.

Your Autistic body is exquisite.
May it always respond to you.  To your will alone.
You owe your gaze to no one.
May you rest it only on that which offers you contentment.
Your flapping hands express your joy.
May they laugh at those that seek to make them table ready.

Your Autistic spirit is on fire.
May it burn bright in sight of those who would extinguish it.
You owe compliance to no one.
May you incinerate the intentions of all those who would force it.
Your worthiness of humanity is infinite.
May it ignite the blazes of love and acceptance to which you are entitled.

Every part of you is Autistic.
And I love every part of you without qualification.
There will never be a “but” after my love.
May we scorch the earth of all that endangers your selfhood.

champions of social equality

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Image Text Reads: You're not actually for equality when you would deny Autistic people the right to--or belittle Autistic people for speaking in favor of their own existence.

Image Text Reads: You’re not actually for equality when you would deny Autistic people the right to–or belittle Autistic people for speaking in favor of their own existence.

Written by Beth Ryan

It is pretty trendy to call yourself a champion of equality.  But here’s the thing folks.  Being a champion of equality?  It means just a smidgen more than being for marriage equality.  Being a champion of equality?  It means just a titch  more than being for gender equality.  Ahem, The Femisit Breeder.

I am NO expert on equality and all that it implies.  Because I am limited both by my own privilege and by my relative inexperience.  But I do know enough to shut up and listen when people of a marginalized group tell me that I should check my privilege, that I am being a bigot/racist/sexist/ableist/whateverist.  I don’t keep talking… unless it is to ask questions.  No, not the kind of questions that aren’t really questions but jabs.  The kind of questions that help me take baby steps towards understanding.

So when a self-proclaimed feminist makes a statement like this one:

I’ve legitimately seen it all now: Apparently I’ve attracted a whole subgroup of folks who think that we shouldn’t be trying to prevent/treat/cure Autism because it’s not a disability, it’s just like being “gay or dark skinned” and if you want to prevent/treat/cure it, then you’re discriminating against the ASD community. 
*Sigh* Congratulations Internet, you’ve jumped the advocacy shark.
–Gina Crosley-Corcoran (The Feminist Breeder)

My jaw hits the floor.  And then I read this from the same person:

I agree it’s totally up to the individual whether they want to be treated, and high functioning folks probably don’t feel they’re missing out on anything. But think about low functioning kids – those kids who’ll never be able to lead a normal life – how can we seriously say that it’s wrong to try to prevent that kind of disability? Being unable to care for oneself is not a “variation of normal” or any other such nonsense. It’s a disability. Of course these people should be treated with care and compassion, but it is not something we should be trying to promote. I find it wildly irresponsible that this so called “neuro-diversity” movement is trying discredit autism prevention and treatment measures as “discriminatory.” If there was a way to prevent depression and anxiety, you better believe I’d support that.

And now I am PISSED.  Because I know that she is referring to people like my daughter. People like Amy Sequenzia, Henry Frost, Amanda Baggs, and Emma.  And I am also damn near certain that she has never actually spoken to any of these “low functioning” people.  Because she obviously doesn’t understand that someone can be far from typical and still happy.  Still a valuable human being.  She obviously doesn’t get that the ability to perform personal care doesn’t guarantee or negate quality of life.

So Ms. Crosley-Corcoran, and the too many people like her, are not actually championing social equality They are championing….well… THEMSELVES.  These people don’t actually give a rat’s ass about ACTUAL social justice.  No.  They are trying to disguise their personal endeavors to acquire power and privilege.

Actually, Ms. Crosley-Corcoran doesn’t really even understand what privilege means.  What the mother?  Huh?

I’ve noticed the same, and I think those folks oughta check their privilege. To be so high functioning that you can see it as a gift is a privilege that so many in the ASD community do not possess. My best friend’s child has ASD and his care consumes her life.

Do you remember when Paris Hilton participated in the “Vote or Die” campaign?  And then it was revealed that she had never actually voted.  Or even registered to do so?  This is all sorts of shades of that.  It is hip to be pro-equality.  Even when you don’t have any idea what that means.  Even when you are clearly and unabashedly NOT for equality.

Social equality.  It is not just a thing that the goofy celebs and wannabe celebs are doing for kicks.  It actually means something.

If you are for it, it means that you believe that ALL people are entitled to the same rights under the law.  ALL people should have equal access to civil rights, to healthcare, to education, etc.  When you exclude a population of people  by claiming that preventing them from existing is acceptable…  you’re DEFINITELY not even close to being for social equality.  You’re just another self-serving douchebag trying to grab yourself some power.

Please check out: Divergent: when disability and feminism collide